Teen Trouble?

Teenagers are typically portrayed by the media as feisty, obnoxious, disobedient and wild. Teens are often shown doing stupid things, generally in groups. Although the things reported may be close to the truth, those reports are selective and contribute to a negative image of teenagers in the general public.

To a great extent, this also affects parents of teenagers, who are being encouraged to consider every little friction and identity-building exercise on the teen's part as part of their overall negative attitude to adults and authority.

Yesterday evening, however, Channel Ten in Australia showed a piece titled "Teen Trouble?" in which a mother and her 3 wonderful teenagers were interviewed, having gone through Ronit's coaching programs. Ronit was also interviewed as a parenting expert with some tips on how to get along well with teenage children and build strong relationships with them.

Irene Thompson and her lovely kids are a great example of how well and how quickly the Be Happy in LIFEparenting workshops and teen coaching programs work.

Here is the video  for your viewing pleasure:

The next parenting workshop open to the public in Brisbane will be on the 30th of October and bookings are available for groups and organizations anywhere in Australia and around the world.

Love your teens and see them blossom,
Gal

View the original article here

Teenage Problems

I have heard a lot about angry teenagers (some even call them troubled teenagers). People talk about teenagers being angry as some natural phenomenon, but I often find there is nothing natural about it and teenage problems are caused by things that can be changed.

One of my clients had an angry teenager at home until recently. Olivia was only 12 years old and very, very, very angry. Her mom, Nancy, who was trapped by the "teenage problems" belief, did nothing for a while. All her friends said it was normal ("You know, teens these days..."), so she just waited for the teenage years to pass and prepared herself for when her two younger kids would go through it too.

But then Nancy met another client of mine who told her, "It doesn't have to be like that. You should go and see Ronit". So she came to one of my parenting workshops. After the workshop, she had some hope that maybe it was not normal for "teenagers these days" to be so angry and that maybe she could help her daughter relax.

Shortly after, Nancy told me, "There was something you said to me during the parenting workshop that made a huge shift with my daughter. I was convinced all teenagers were the same, but I realized that I could help my daughter if I only changed some of the things I was doing myself. It really worked!"

Olivia had been seeing a psychologist for a while, trying to make a big decision, but without any results. After the parenting workshop, Nancy went to the psychologist and asked her to try one of my strategies. It took only one session for Olivia to make her mind up and Nancy came to see me, hoping she could make more changes in her teen daughter's attitude and life.

To me, "teenagers these days..." is usually related to "parents these days...", so I asked Nancy some questions about what was happening in their home.

Olivia was not very social girl and had some problems at school. She was constantly angry and grumpy. She came from school and went straight to her room. Her family members had to knock on her door and "invite" her to dinner. She went to sleep between midnight and 2am, got up around 7am in a foul mood, went to school angry and came back angry. This cycle was endless. This is roughly how our conversation went.

Ronit: Why does she go to sleep so late?

Nancy: She watches TV and she spends time on Facebook

Ronit: Why does she have TV in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have TVs in their rooms

Ronit: What will happen if you take the TV out of her room?

Nancy: She will use her computer for Facebook chats and watch YouTube videos

Ronit: How come she has Facebook? It's not legal under the age of 13 to have Facebook account. She had to lie to open an account, did you know that?

Nancy: We know, because we opened the account for her. All the kids in her class have Facebook accounts and she had social problems, so we didn't want her to feel different

Ronit: Why does she have a computer in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have computers in their rooms. (At this stage, she felt a bit uncomfortable) I thought kids nowadays all have their own computers. What about your kids?

Ronit: Oh, my kids don't have any electrical appliances in their rooms - no TV, no radio, no computer and no phone

Nancy was surprised. She knows a lot about my kids and is very surprised to hear that.

Ronit: What happens if you take the computer out of her room too?

Nancy: We can't... She will watch YouTube clips and chat on her iPhone

Ronit: Why on Earth would a 12-year-old who goes to school, where mobile phones are not allowed, is picked up from school and taken to everyone by her mother (the taxi driver) need an iPhone?

Nancy: So she doesn't feel different. All the kids have iPhones

Ronit: Not all kids have them. My kids don't and the younger one doesn't have any kind of mobile phone

Nancy (smiles): I can't believe it. Don't they feel different?

Ronit: They do and they know they are different. This is why no one thinks they are angry teenagers. What happens if you take her iPhone at night before she goes to sleep?

Nancy stops for a second. She has never thought this was an option.

Ronit: Who pays for Olivia's iPhone?

Nancy: We do...

Now I have a question for you. If parents do everything to make sure their kids are not different from the rest of the angry teenagers around them, how much do you think they contribute to "teenagers these days..."?

Nancy and I discussed other things too, but a major one, which I would like to present to day, was sleep.

Every person, regardless of age, who sleeps 5 hours at night, wakes up grumpy, confused and disoriented. They do not have to be teenagers to be angry. Take sleep away from any person for more than 3 days and you will have a typical teen - grumpy, moody, angry, agitated and grossly overreacting.

Research done by sleep experts discovered that lack of sufficient sleep puts teenagers at risk of cognitive and emotional difficulties, poor concentration, poor memory, low academic achievements and a significant increase in accidents.

A research at the University of Minnesota studied over 7,000 teenagers and found out there were more incidents of depression and ADHD among teenagers who did not sleep enough.

Further studies about teenagers and sleep discovered that, starting around the beginning of puberty and continuing into their early 20s, teenagers need about 9.2 hours of sleep each night, compared with the 7.5-8 hours that adults need.

Teenagers these days are exposed to a lot more stimulation than we were in the past just before they go to sleep. If we have the stimulation easily available, it is not fair to ask them to reject it, especially when all the other kids get it too.

Many parents think they are doing their kids a favor when they supply them with all the new gadgets and make it easy for them to access them, when in fact, kids have very little time each day to make good use of all those gadgets, so they sacrifice their essential sleep.

Nancy went home and talked to her husband. They decided together what to do and told their kids about the new rules in the house to make sure Olivia gets enough sleep. The other kids were happy, but Olivia was not. She was upset and cried.

A week later, she stopped being one of those angry teenagers and having "teenage problems"...

Do not allow a TV set in their roomDo not allow a computer in their roomDo not allow mobile phones in their roomStop them using the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime (this is a good tip for everyone, because the light from the monitor disturbs the function of the sleeping hormone)Make sure they sleep at least 9 hours every nightDo not allow any after-school activities that go past sleep time on nights before school (typically Sunday to Thursday)It is harder to relax and sleep when the mind is pre-occupied with homework, so make homework a priority, but do not allow doing homework through the night, except in extreme cases. Staying up late slows everything down and causes delays in subsequent assignmentsLimit teenagers' evenings work and encourage weekend and holiday jobsLimit Facebook activity (you may have to use security programs to monitor and/or limit Internet use)Teach your kids some time management skills. If they plan all their activities, they will find out easily when they are wasting time

If you want your teenager not to be "one of those teenagers...", make sure you are not one of those parents...

Have a good night's sleep,
Ronit

View the original article here

Competition, Perfection or Happiness

This week, Ronit and I had a discussion on the difference between competition and perfection, or rather between being competitive and being a perfectionist. We were talking about how happy we were that our children were neither of those now, although they had been when they were younger.

This got me thinking that many parents raise their kids to be competitive or to strive for perfection, not realizing there was a third alternative, which helps the kids build their self-esteem and lead a relaxed and happy life. So I wanted to share with you my take on all 3 options and what you can do for your kids through your parenting and personal example.

Competitive people compare themselves with others all the time. Am I as pretty as Betty? Am I as strong as Josh? Am I as smart as Clarissa? Can I draw as well as Billy?

When they seem to be better than their object of comparison, they are happy, but when the other person seems to be better, they are miserable. Their mood is determined by their choice of competitors, their choice of comparison area and sometimes just by circumstances.

The problem with being competitive is that in a world of 7 billion people, it is very easy to find someone who is better than us, no matter what we are comparing. In fact, whenever we move, change schools, change jobs or just meet new people, there is a chance we will find even more people who are better than we are.

Because we all have different starting point, which we cannot change, any comparison with a taller person on rebounds, with someone who was born in China on fluency in Mandarin or with the Jarawas of Andaman Islands (supposedly the darkest in the world) on tan is simply futile. Likewise, racing someone who is built better and goes through similar training or comparing musical compositions with someone who is naturally gifted in that area are hopeless exercises.

The inevitable result of being competitive is the feeling of failure more often than now and the loss of self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to realize this when I was a child. I noticed that some of my friends were always faster than me, some always jumped higher than I did, some could paint better and some got better grades than I did. In most cases, those other kids were better than me at just one thing or just in one area, but some (and it was harder accepting those) were both smarter and faster than me (and one of them was also more friendly).

To help myself accept that others were better, I noted they were also worse at other things, sometimes had real problems and often were not as good as someone else. For example, while at a Scouts gathering, I noticed some kids picking on our class genius. I came to his aid and as the others went away, I walked towards him to find out if he was OK. He kicked me in the shin. Hard. I hurt like hell. So I figured there were areas in which he was not so smart after all, like the social area.

Mainly, competition is a kind of external focus, a focus on other people, which leaves our self-esteem in their hands. Not so good.

Whereas competitive people look at others, perfectionists compare themselves against imaginary standards. While some rules are written clearly and are the same for everyone, perfection is a personal matter and a perfectionist's rules of how things should be are typically not written anywhere or accepted by anyone else.

The most common word used by perfectionists is "should". The second most common word used by perfectionists is "must". Perfectionists accept the standards that govern their world so wholeheartedly they never question them.

The problem with perfection is that it is not achievable. It is impossible to do everything right all the time, even in specific areas. We are sometimes tired, hungry, sick and upset. Sometimes, we are faced with problems without the knowledge or skills to solve them. Sometimes, things are in conflict so that doing one thing perfectly means messing up the other one, like climbing the corporate ladder and spending more time with the kids.

Anyone being assessed by a perfectionist is likely to feel belittled and abused, mainly because perfectionists assume "everybody" knows their rules and spend no time whatsoever agreeing with others how they should be measured. In fact, they do not get permission to give their assessment. They just give it.

This invariably leads to an ongoing feeling of frustration, low self-esteem, stress, bad health and loss of friends.

Any competitive sport involves competition, but it does not make the kids competitive.

I coached a boys' basketball for 2 years in a club that had 2 teams. One team was super-competitive. The coach only played the good players, gave the boys feedback based on their performance on the court and talked mainly about the score. The parents of the boys on his team valued the same things.

My team was made up of the sons of parents who just wanted their kids to have fun playing basketball. We played the same game, had the same time to practice and played against the other team many times, but those parents cheered when their children got to play, no matter how well they did, and showered them with praise, no whatever the score.

Hand on heart: which team are you on as a parent?

Not surprisingly, the boys on my team often won games because 5 players always trump a single good athlete, they worked hard at practice, had a good time and our families became close off court.

Also not surprisingly, the boys on the other team were grumpy, the parents complained about how little their sons played and each family walked in a different direction as soon as the game was over.

Now, which team would you like to be on?

When it comes to academic studies, music tuition and dance lessons, there is competition too, but the main aim is some absolute score, like the end-of-year grades at school, the music competence level (AMEB in Australia, ABRSM in other places) and the level-based group in which the child dances.

Many parents track their kids' results closely and subject them to extra tuition and extra pressure when they do not meet the parents' expectations (which the parents often frame as "being good enough"). As a result, their kids feel as though they serve their parents' agenda and their self-esteem drops. Because there is always the next level, they never feel good enough.

Other parents allow and even encourage their kids to play, explore and participate. No matter how well their children score on an activity, they are mostly interested in the personal learning and excitement the activity has given them. As a result, their kids feel appreciated, loved and confident.

Which is closer to your parenting style?

If you have realized a thing or two above, and you are planning to beat yourself over them, please stop. Remember your parents never read this. If you are a competitive parent, please remember you are reading this alone. If you are a perfectionist, please remember that everything you have read is just my opinion.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I believe that happy parents raise happy kids. Our philosophy is that you always do the best you can and reading our parenting tips gives you a chance to do things differently by first changing your own feelings and perception and then affecting your kids mainly by being a role model.

I may not have been a competitive child, but I was certainly a perfectionist. On a scale of 0-100, if I brought home an exam paper with "95" on it, I would be asked, "Why not 100?" The question was asked jokingly, as if it was obvious the grades were good, but as a child, I did not know that. Without hearing, "You've done well, son. We're proud of you", I could not say it to myself even years later, so I felt I was not good enough.

May parents meant well. Education was a high value in our home, as was integrity. My 3 sisters have all done very well academically and professionally as a result. But because they were not aware of the consequences of their words and because they themselves did not feel they were good enough (this week, I recalled my grandfather's criticism of my dad and that point really sank in), I grew up to be a perfectionist.

So please start by forgiving yourself for anything you may have done "wrong". Let go of the past and accept it as your own personal starting point, along with your genetic makeup. Growing up in a competitive environment triggered your competitive genes. Being raised by perfectionists activated your perfectionist chromosomes. That was in the past.

Today, you can adopt a new philosophy.

Brian Tracy is famous sales guru who got me unstuck with this simple method (and I am paraphrasing):

Every day, determine to improve just a little. All you have to do is take a small step forward from where you are right now. Compounding will do the rest

You see, if you take $100 and add 1% a day to it, in 100 days it will become not $200 but more than $270 with compounding. In 1,000 days, instead of $1,100, it will become $2,095,916!

A competitive person will check how others are doing and feel miserable if they have more. A perfectionist will start by aiming at $2,095,916 and spend 999 days feeling bad about not achieving that goal. A person who measures personal progress will start from wherever he or she is right now and keep moving steadily forward and being happy 1,000 days for what little progress he or she made.

Because we all start from a different place, measuring progress works for everyone. It is always relative to US. Because the progress each of us can make is different, measuring our progress in the context of our life works for everyone.

When I got this, I felt huge relief and my happiness grew every day. Now, even on the days with the worst pressure, when things drop on me through email and phone and mess up all my beautiful plans, I take a deep breath and say, "I will do what I can today and I will make progress. It will all add up to big results over time".

And my kids have felt it too. My relief affected them bit by bit, until it compounded to more closeness, more openness, more self-esteem and more happiness. I applied the same method to building my relationships with them and it worked there too. Every day, I tried to do something different - more softly, more clearly, more lovingly and sometimes more firmly.

Maybe there are better parents than me out there. Who cares? Maybe I am not the perfect father. Who cares? I am making progress and I am happy.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

View the original article here

Teenage Problems

I have heard a lot about angry teenagers (some even call them troubled teenagers). People talk about teenagers being angry as some natural phenomenon, but I often find there is nothing natural about it and teenage problems are caused by things that can be changed.

One of my clients had an angry teenager at home until recently. Olivia was only 12 years old and very, very, very angry. Her mom, Nancy, who was trapped by the "teenage problems" belief, did nothing for a while. All her friends said it was normal ("You know, teens these days..."), so she just waited for the teenage years to pass and prepared herself for when her two younger kids would go through it too.

But then Nancy met another client of mine who told her, "It doesn't have to be like that. You should go and see Ronit". So she came to one of my parenting workshops. After the workshop, she had some hope that maybe it was not normal for "teenagers these days" to be so angry and that maybe she could help her daughter relax.

Shortly after, Nancy told me, "There was something you said to me during the parenting workshop that made a huge shift with my daughter. I was convinced all teenagers were the same, but I realized that I could help my daughter if I only changed some of the things I was doing myself. It really worked!"

Olivia had been seeing a psychologist for a while, trying to make a big decision, but without any results. After the parenting workshop, Nancy went to the psychologist and asked her to try one of my strategies. It took only one session for Olivia to make her mind up and Nancy came to see me, hoping she could make more changes in her teen daughter's attitude and life.

To me, "teenagers these days..." is usually related to "parents these days...", so I asked Nancy some questions about what was happening in their home.

Olivia was not very social girl and had some problems at school. She was constantly angry and grumpy. She came from school and went straight to her room. Her family members had to knock on her door and "invite" her to dinner. She went to sleep between midnight and 2am, got up around 7am in a foul mood, went to school angry and came back angry. This cycle was endless. This is roughly how our conversation went.

Ronit: Why does she go to sleep so late?

Nancy: She watches TV and she spends time on Facebook

Ronit: Why does she have TV in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have TVs in their rooms

Ronit: What will happen if you take the TV out of her room?

Nancy: She will use her computer for Facebook chats and watch YouTube videos

Ronit: How come she has Facebook? It's not legal under the age of 13 to have Facebook account. She had to lie to open an account, did you know that?

Nancy: We know, because we opened the account for her. All the kids in her class have Facebook accounts and she had social problems, so we didn't want her to feel different

Ronit: Why does she have a computer in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have computers in their rooms. (At this stage, she felt a bit uncomfortable) I thought kids nowadays all have their own computers. What about your kids?

Ronit: Oh, my kids don't have any electrical appliances in their rooms - no TV, no radio, no computer and no phone

Nancy was surprised. She knows a lot about my kids and is very surprised to hear that.

Ronit: What happens if you take the computer out of her room too?

Nancy: We can't... She will watch YouTube clips and chat on her iPhone

Ronit: Why on Earth would a 12-year-old who goes to school, where mobile phones are not allowed, is picked up from school and taken to everyone by her mother (the taxi driver) need an iPhone?

Nancy: So she doesn't feel different. All the kids have iPhones

Ronit: Not all kids have them. My kids don't and the younger one doesn't have any kind of mobile phone

Nancy (smiles): I can't believe it. Don't they feel different?

Ronit: They do and they know they are different. This is why no one thinks they are angry teenagers. What happens if you take her iPhone at night before she goes to sleep?

Nancy stops for a second. She has never thought this was an option.

Ronit: Who pays for Olivia's iPhone?

Nancy: We do...

Now I have a question for you. If parents do everything to make sure their kids are not different from the rest of the angry teenagers around them, how much do you think they contribute to "teenagers these days..."?

Nancy and I discussed other things too, but a major one, which I would like to present to day, was sleep.

Every person, regardless of age, who sleeps 5 hours at night, wakes up grumpy, confused and disoriented. They do not have to be teenagers to be angry. Take sleep away from any person for more than 3 days and you will have a typical teen - grumpy, moody, angry, agitated and grossly overreacting.

Research done by sleep experts discovered that lack of sufficient sleep puts teenagers at risk of cognitive and emotional difficulties, poor concentration, poor memory, low academic achievements and a significant increase in accidents.

A research at the University of Minnesota studied over 7,000 teenagers and found out there were more incidents of depression and ADHD among teenagers who did not sleep enough.

Further studies about teenagers and sleep discovered that, starting around the beginning of puberty and continuing into their early 20s, teenagers need about 9.2 hours of sleep each night, compared with the 7.5-8 hours that adults need.

Teenagers these days are exposed to a lot more stimulation than we were in the past just before they go to sleep. If we have the stimulation easily available, it is not fair to ask them to reject it, especially when all the other kids get it too.

Many parents think they are doing their kids a favor when they supply them with all the new gadgets and make it easy for them to access them, when in fact, kids have very little time each day to make good use of all those gadgets, so they sacrifice their essential sleep.

Nancy went home and talked to her husband. They decided together what to do and told their kids about the new rules in the house to make sure Olivia gets enough sleep. The other kids were happy, but Olivia was not. She was upset and cried.

A week later, she stopped being one of those angry teenagers and having "teenage problems"...

Do not allow a TV set in their roomDo not allow a computer in their roomDo not allow mobile phones in their roomStop them using the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime (this is a good tip for everyone, because the light from the monitor disturbs the function of the sleeping hormone)Make sure they sleep at least 9 hours every nightDo not allow any after-school activities that go past sleep time on nights before school (typically Sunday to Thursday)It is harder to relax and sleep when the mind is pre-occupied with homework, so make homework a priority, but do not allow doing homework through the night, except in extreme cases. Staying up late slows everything down and causes delays in subsequent assignmentsLimit teenagers' evenings work and encourage weekend and holiday jobsLimit Facebook activity (you may have to use security programs to monitor and/or limit Internet use)Teach your kids some time management skills. If they plan all their activities, they will find out easily when they are wasting time

If you want your teenager not to be "one of those teenagers...", make sure you are not one of those parents...

Have a good night's sleep,
Ronit

View the original article here

Grow Younger and Happier

Grow Younger and Happier .wp-polls .pollbar {margin: 1px;font-size: 6px;line-height: 8px;height: 8px;background-image: url('http://www.ronitbaras.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-polls/images/default/pollbg.gif');border: 1px solid #c8c8c8;} Family Matters "Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids"HomeSeriesPopularAbout Ronit BarasResources Grow Younger and Happier

It is amazing what we can learn from kids. Inexperienced and naïve, they have some truth they were born with and I wonder if we can borrow this naivety from them, until we also grow our happiness.

Do you not feel sometimes that "growing up" also means losing something?

I do!

For a long time, I held the belief that being around kids would remind me that I needed to unlearn some things in life and go back to the source, to the original state of trusting life, unexplained, to laugh at silly things and possess a strong belief that "everything is going to be all right". Kids are great reminders of this state.

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul
- Samuel Ullman

Please do not get me wrong. There are frustrations, tears and problems for children, but most of them can be fixed with simple things like a kiss, a balloon or just a suggestion of a better option to choose. The younger they are, they easier it is to make kids happy. My two new nephews who live on the other side of the world and I see in photos, in videos and on Skype, remind me of this purity, this innocence and joy. Every time I talk to them, I find out how much they have learned from the previous week and realize that their mothers, my two younger sisters, probably learn lots more every day.

It is funny that for most of my childhood, I thought that as a kid, I needed to learn from the adults in my life. The older I get, the more I believe it is the other way around. Although we do not want to admit it, we learn a lot from our kids and the best lesson is how to be happy.

I think kids can teach us a great deal about happiness. Kids do not have more opportunities to be happy. They have a better definition of happiness.

I think the main problem grownups have is that their definition is very tough and contains too many "only", as in "I'll be happy only when I earn/get/have/feel/can/do ". Kids, on the other hand, have lots of "every time" and "every opportunity", as in "Every opportunity I have to laugh makes me happy" or "I'm happy every time I go on break".

I think kids, as young and inexperienced as they are, have a good understanding that "grownup" is the not the same as "mature". From their perspective, being a grownup means you have grown out of your childhood and they feel sorry for you. For them, being a grownup only says that more time has passed since you were born. Unfortunately for some grownups, it says nothing more.

Learning from kids' perspective

Kids look at another kid who is 3 years older than they are and think they are "older". When my daughter Eden was in high school and about 14 years old, she came home one day and said, "An old man came to talk to us today", and told us about the session with that man. Gal and I thought his stories and the session topic did not seem like they came out of an old man's mouth, so we asked her, "How old was this man?" She thought about it for a while and said, "About 32, I think". We were roughly 40 at the time and felt we were half way to the grave for her.

Eden was just being a kid, but she taught me a lesson in perspective (one of many lessons). It was that we all measure other people in comparison to ourselves. When I was 16 and one of my best friends' dad died, I felt sorry for him and said, "Well, he is about 40 years old, so at least he was old". Now, when I hear about a 40-year-old man dying, I say, "Oh, that's so sad, because he was young".

Kids can teach us many lessons if we are only willing to listen, stay open and understand, if we just change the perception that time is the only parameter needed for growth and that growing wiser is better than growing older.

Here are 20 things we can learn from kids (but I believe there are many more).

20 things we can learn from kids

We can learn to laugh from kids. It is very healthy to laugh. Some say it is a great medicine, I know so many adults who could use this medicine. Do some laughter therapy and you will see.

We can learn from kids to cry and forget everything three seconds later after getting a kiss.

We can learn from kids to miss school during school holiday. I know many people who can get sick just thinking of going back to work after a holiday. My mom used to say that after a holiday, she needs 3-4 days to rest, but kids area ready for action again.We can learn from kids to get up at 6am on weekends to enjoy their day off and make the most of every second of it. I know many adults who use the weekend to sleep in (I do not have that pleasure, because we have something that starts early every weekend).We can learn from kids to look in the mirror at messed up hair and clothes in weird colors and say "cool" to the reflection with a big satisfied grin. I have learned it from my kids, although I do not do it so well (yet).We can learn from kids to draw for the fun of drawing without the need to please anyone or criticize every creation.We can learn from kids to make everything into a game - to see life as a playground, the living room sofa as a jumping castle, the bathtub as an ocean and the dining table as the palace ceiling - oh, what a life we could have!We can learn from kids to fight with a friend and forget the fight after half an hour. How many times do we fight with another adult, then forgive and forget? I think the divorce wars would end if kids had to handle it.We can learn from kids to sit in the bathtub for an hour and enjoy the bubbles without thinking of all the things they need to do (or have not done) this week.We can learn from kids to get into the freezing water of the pool or the sea and still have fun. Oh, I remember myself in the water, my lips blue and shaking from the cold and my dad says, "You are freezing", and me smiling, running back to the water and calling out, "No, I'm not". I wish I could do that now. I need a warm bath temperature to get myself into the pool very slowly.We can learn from kids to enjoy sleep over with friends tremendously and not worry about what food there is to eat or how clean their room is. Hosting people is a chore for adults - it brings up performance anxiety and they wonder what the guests might say about then and their home, whereas kids just focus on the happy time they spend together.We can learn from 2-year-olds to say, "Me, me, I can do it by myself" when doing something new and difficult and feeling very proud of ourselves for trying.We can learn from kids that breaks and friends are the only reasons to go to school, which makes the learning a byproduct. Can you imagine every adult going to work thinking they are there for the breaks and the social interaction and work is just a side effect? Oh, that would be awesome!We can learn from kids that when you lie, Mom and Dad can tell, so we should not try. Children discover very early on that Mom and Dad can "see their nose getting longer" even if they do not. Grownups still try lie and believe no one can see their nose getting longer.We can learn from kids that breaking the rules does not kill you. If grownups thought that way, they would take many more risks and try many more things that seem scary at first.We can learn from kids to want. Kids want everything. They walk around with a look of excitement on their face and they want everything. Grownups forget to want. During life coaching, they tell me, "Life isn't about what you want", and I have to keep telling them that life is only about what they want. You are entitled to want. How on Earth can you get anything if you do not want it?We can learn from kids to live in the moment. I am not sure why kids can do it better than adults do. Maybe because they have not experienced enough frustration and failure and if this is the reason, oh, I wish so much to learn from them to live in the moment, to the max, without thinking about the past or about the future so much.We can learn from kids to be curious. I find the curiosity of children fascinating. Most adults do not check new things because of curiosity. They will check things when they have a need for them. If they do not see an immediate need for something, they will not put too much effort into it. I can see the point in saving time and energy, yet I think that sometimes, curiosity brings us surprising results and opens our mind to unimaginable experiences.We can learn from kids to tackle new things with courage. While most grownups perceive the new as a threat, kids will try more times. And on the topic of curiosity and courage, here is a true story for you. A very rich man in India put computers with touch screens in the wall around a slum. He wanted to know how people would respond to this flashy machine with lights that they had never seen in their life. Everyone, old and young, came closer and looked at it, but did not touch. Then, some kids came closer and touched the screen, trying different things until they figured out what they needed to do to get to some games that they had also never seen before in their life. Can you imagine how many new things "mature" people do not experience because of this fear of the unknown?We can learn from kids to entertain ourselves. You see, the older we get, the more we become dependent on TV, computer, cinema and other people to keep us entertained. Kids, on the other hand, do not really need gadgets. They can have lots of fun playing with a blanket or a rag doll. It would be so much easier if we could settle for simple things to entertain ourselves. Moreover, we can learn from kids how entertain themselves cheaply. You see, kids can have lots of fun with one balloon and keep themselves happy with a pack of balloons that costs a dollar, while grownups spend a fortune on keeping themselves entertained. Grownups are expensive to maintain...

We destroy the love of learning in children, which is so strong when they are small, by encouraging and compelling them to work for petty and contemptible rewards, gold stars, or papers marked 100 and tacked to the wall, or A's on report cards, or honor rolls, or dean's lists, or Phi Beta Kappa keys, in short, for the ignoble satisfaction of feeling that they are better than someone else
- John Holt

Give yourself permission to learn from those who are smaller and younger, because their fresh perspective on things that grownups consider complicated can lighten up your stressful life.

I am sure you have some ideas of what else we can learn from kids. Please share them with everyone below.

Let's grow younger and happier,
Ronit

You may want to readPurpose: To Be a Great DadThe Mean AverageLike a Dog August 5th, 2011 | Author: Ronit Baras Posted in Personal Development | Tags: change, choice, early childhood, Emotional Intelligence, focus, fun, happiness, how to, Kids / Children, lifestyle, motivation, personal development / personal growth / personality development / self improvement« Competition, Perfection or HappinessThe "Light Thinking" Diet »

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How comfortable are you around your mother in law?

© Photo Courtesy of Erin Zammett Rudy

On a scale of 1 to 10, (1 being you don’t speak to her unless spoken to and 10 being you walk around naked in her house), I’m a 12. When Alex was born, my mother in law, Debbie, came to stay with us for two weeks. Among other TMI she was privy to, there was this little gem: At every feeding, I would hold my boob in one hand and she’d stand behind me and hold Alex’s little hands back while I’d shove said boob into his mouth. (Have I mentioned how much I loved breastfeeding?) Debbie is a nurse and the gentlest, most easy-going person I know so I’ve always been able to let my guard/bra down in front of her. But I am starting to wonder if I need to dial it down a little…

We’ve been in Traverse City, Michigan, visiting Nick’s parents for the past eight days—we’re on our way home today (here’s hoping our flights are on time!). We had the best vacation and the kids, who are obsessed with their grandparents, were in heaven. Alex shadowed my father in law from morning till night and if either he or Debbie left the room for a second, Nora would say “Where Grandpa Pat go? Where Gamma go?” But among all the good old fashion lakeside summer fun (see Alex, above, in the crystal clear water), something occurred to me. I am shockingly comfortable with my mother in law. Unlike many of my friends, I feel completely at home in her home, I let my filter go and I am 100 percent myself (which is not always a good thing—just ask Nick). Here’s what I mean:

I let her do my laundry—thongs and all. Nick and I stayed in the finished basement and I would just toss clothes into the laundry room as I walked by. Debbie asked me to do this, but I feel like maybe I should have put up a fight. Or at least separated the whites and darks.

I yelled at my kids—and Nick—in front of her (and my poor father in law, who is equally laid back, thankfully). Sometimes this involved a complete meltdown on my part (Alex is in a bad behavior stage and I have not been handling it with grace). And sometimes this involved four-letter words (at Nick, not Alex).

I am completely honest with her—about not wanting pizza for lunch, about not wanting to take my kids on another 45-minute car ride, and about not being able to come to Michigan for Easter this year (or, well, any year—we’ve started a big egg hunt tradition at home, and she completely understands and is, of course, always invited).

I said this exact phrase: “Debbie, I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you put Nora to bed tonight.” Who says that? Why not just ask? Or put the kid to bed myself since it’s pretty damn easy. (Fortunately she didn’t collect.)

I slept late every day. In my defense, so did Nick and Nora. There is something about the air up there (and the fact that we were running ragged all day) that made Nora, who’s normally a great sleeper, turn into a champion Gold-medal winning sleeper. She’d go down every night around 7:30 and not even bat an eye until 8:30 or 9 the next morning. So Nick and I did the same. Alex slept in a bedroom upstairs and would get up around 7:30 and hang with his grandparents until the rest of us stumbled up. I always felt a little guilty about this, but apparently not enough to get my ass out of bed.

Alex and I had a full-blown dance party on the back deck one night (while my MIL took pictures). This may not seem that weird but Al and I are having a Top 40 moment, which means we basically replayed LMFAO, Pitbull, and that Britney Spears song that’s on all the Bravo commercials. I was sweating, we were twirling, there was definitely some inappropriate booty shaking going on and I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. Here’s hoping those photos never see the light of day.

And the kicker: As we were waiting for Nick to finish grilling dinner one night and I was finishing up a few of the things I was making, I began sampling. And couldn’t stop. By sampling I mean I cut into a chicken breast “to make sure it was done,” tasted and adjusted my salad dressing by basically eating half the salad and—wait for it—actually took a bite of a corn on the cob (which I then put on my plate, not the platter…). It was late, I was starving, the vibe was definitely laid-back BBQ, and there was wine drinking involved, but still….ack! This little episode led me to confront the issue and say, “OMG, I think I am way too comfortable in front of you Debbie, what am I doing? How rude!”

My mother-in-law of course just laughed at all of my antics and said she’s glad I feel so comfortable around her. But do you see what I mean about possibly being too comfortable? I’m just not sure my behavior is totally normal (although, in my defense, Nick and my in-laws seem cool with and, honestly, I don’t know how to go back from here!). How do you act around your mother-in-law? Do you speak your mind? Do you feel at home in her home? Let’s discuss. 

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Parents Doing Business

Parents Doing Business .wp-polls .pollbar {margin: 1px;font-size: 6px;line-height: 8px;height: 8px;background-image: url('http://www.ronitbaras.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-polls/images/default/pollbg.gif');border: 1px solid #c8c8c8;} Family Matters "Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids"HomeSeriesPopularAbout Ronit BarasResources Parents Doing Business

I had my first business at the age of 25. I finished my Special Education studies and opened an Early Childhood Center that became a very successful business within a short time. I was a mother and a wife and had a mortgage, a car and a personal loan for my business.

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

You may want to readAnybody Can Do ItEveryone can do it (with expert help)The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness August 15th, 2011 | Author: Ronit Baras Posted in Parenting, Success / Wealth | Tags: behavior / discipline, beliefs, career, change, choice, dreams, family matters, focus, goal setting, home, household chores, how to, lifestyle, money, motivation, parenting, success, time management, wealth« Wisdom from the School of LifeHelp »

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Here is a great way to communicate with your teen!CategoriesAsk Ronit (28)Did You Know? (23)Education / Learning (125)Emotional Intelligence (466)Personal Development (275)Relationships / Marriage (156)Spirituality (23)Focus On The Family (615)Babies / Maternity (19)Kids / Children (159)Parenting (565)Teens / Teenagers (79)General (4)Health / Wellbeing (71)Home (11)Life Coaching (80)Beautiful people (34)Opinion (34)Poll (14)Success / Wealth (51)  MoreAdvertise on this siteAsk RonitRelated LinksBe Happy in LIFEPersonal Growth WebThe Motivational SpeakerTsoof Baras – singer, composer, percussionist MetaLog inEntries RSSComments RSSWordPress.orgBe Inspired

A personal story of liberation that will make you get up and own your life

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